SLAYERS Fails To Stake Us Any Fun And Misses The Mark

K. Asher Levin (Cougars Inc.)
K. Asher Levin (Cougars Inc.) and Zack Imbrogno (“The Shadow Diaries”)
Thomas Jane (The Punisher),
Kara Hayward (Moonrise Kingdom),
Jack Donnelly (“Atlantis”),
Lydia Hearst (Z Nation),
Malin Akerman (Watchmen)
Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine)
Release By
The Avenue

Kick-ass vampire slayer, Elliot Jones (Thomas Jane), made it his life’s mission to take revenge on the bloodsuckers who murdered his teenage daughter. After years of tracking them, he has finally reached their secret and hidden base. But to get to them he will need to use a motley crew of social media superstars. Enter ‘The Stream Team’: party-girl Jules (Abigail Breslin), gen-z pro-gamer Flynn (Kara Hayward) and their team of trend-makers and breakers! With a hundred million-plus combined followers, they have attracted the attention of reclusive billionaire Beverly Rektor (Malin Akerman), who invites them to party at her multimillion-dollar vacation compound. They soon discover these rich people are none other than the ancient vampires that Elliot Jones is chasing. When the team is being held captive in a house of horrors to serve the vampire’s plan to take over the world, Elliott is their only hope of survival. As he links up with Flynn, a slayer in her own right, will he take down the vampire hoard and save The Stream Team?

The vampire slaying business isn’t an easy one. Ask Van Helsing and he’ll tell you the same. Some people find success, for instance, Blade. Heck, he himself craves the sweet, sweet red blood fluid. This doesn’t stop him from doing a darn good job of killing blood-suckers.

So how well does Elliot Jones (Thomas Jane) fair in this world obsessed with these vamps? Well, not so well. Jane does his best Jack Burton impression (Big Trouble in Little China). He has a large white beard but also wears a leather jacket. Some might call this look “homeless chic”.

The story is paint-by-numbers blood, two, three affair. The film steals from better films and follows the same narrative style as the hit Zombieland (2009). The ADHD cuts in scenes from Social Media back to the action gets tedious and the film loses any momentum.

It’s a shame because Kara Hayward is a bright spot in the film. Hayward plays Flynn an online gamer/influencer. Sure the character isn’t totally original. She’s the most believable character out of the bunch. I think she’s even wearing fellow co-stars Abigail Breslin’s wardrobe from the aforementioned Zombieland.

The main glaring issue with SLAYERS is the plot is not executed in a manner that is easy to follow. I’ll give the film this though, it did keep me watching until the credits. I also might not be the target audience for this horror/comedy foray. Stick to The Lost Boys, Fright Night or Buffy the Vampire Slayer for more comedy/horror fun.

SLAYERS in theatres, on-demand and digital on October 21, 2022. 

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